Garage Door Hacks...for pervs???

IMPORTANT: if you have not read my previous post entitled "Garage Door Hacks" please scroll down and read it first. If you were to read this post first and then the original, the hilarity factor would be decreased substantially.


I have had my story about me breaking into my house up for over a year now. Many people have praised me about the greatness of the story, about the laughs that they experienced from it, and about how I could further improve the story from adding things from ninjas to Chuck Norris fighting Mike Tyson. After all this time, I have finally returned to this story, eager to edit it to make it more exciting and enjoyable while fixing the typos and poor sentences structure along the way.

However, in this time, it has also come to my attention that inside this story lurks something far more enjoyable than what seems to be up front. And that, of course, is the taking of lines from the story and making them into sexual innuendos. Looking at the story, it appears that there exist many lines and paragraphs from which a vast number of sexual jokes can be derived. I shall make it easier for everyone hoping to enjoy this feature by collecting them all and rewriting the story, this time with a completely different person with a completely different goal in mind.

First though, I want to make it clear that the events listed in the original story really did happen, and that when the story was written it was not done with any intention of making sexual jokes. That was not the purpose of the story at all.

With that said....let's get started!
The italics text are lines taken directly from the story, while the bold text serve as new lines or comments.
(sorry guys, no pictures this time around)


When I went to open the door to the house, I found it to be locked.
Here the story begins, it begins apparent that the main goal is to get in the target and to unlock the secrets while pleasing. However there are some obstacles blocking the entrance and making it more difficult.

I would have to find a way into the house without disturbing anyone.
Now we can see that the objective must be completed as quietly as possible.  It is apparent that other people are sleeping nearby. Thus it is crucial to make as little noise as possible, for waking someone would be disastrous and cause an instant failure.

Now breaking through a door should be easy enough I thought. But the majority of tools in my house are stored in the basement. I hadlimited tools and supplies to work with. But that would not stoppingfrom breaking into my own house. It was also boiling in my garage, atleast 85 degress.
We run into more trouble here. Simply going in is not an option for the target would certainly resist and demand more dramatic ways, and the resources are extremely limited. All the necessary tools for easy access are elsewhere, meaning this is going to be a real challenge, one that no one has experienced. We also learn that the temperature is really hot, thus making conditions extra sticky.

I had never picked a lock before, so I wasn't too sure if I would be able to do that.
It becomes obvious that our hero has never attempted what he is now attempting before. We can safely assume the target has never engaged in such acts before either. First time is always memorable.

I would have to make do with the Multi-Purpose.
Now we learn that in order to gain entry, the person must use multi-purpose techniques. This is no simple task as the person must be able to work in many different ways in many different positions in order to obtain complete satisfaction from the target.

I began to work on the top hinge.
The person started at the top. We can assume that the target wants to be stimulated all over before going in for the real thing.

Things were looking up.
It was going up!

I quickly started to work on the bottom hinge.
The person shows off the multi-purpose techniques that had to be employed by quickly shifting from the top areas of the body down to the lower parts.

Time passed and passed. No progress was being made.
Here we start to lose hope for our hero. Despite using many techniques and skills, entry seems to be restricted, and it does not appear that the target does not want to go all the way.

I looked around for some small metal object to stick into the keyhole and pick the lock...
Now things have really turned for the worse. Instead of being up and large, which is the designated formation required for entry, the person is now small, thus making entry more difficult. Or, we could say that the person is getting help from a toy.

I began inserting and twisting and turning with the hopes of clicking something
So the person has finally gotten in. And now the person is twisting and turning in hoping to release the wave of goodness.

I bent the prong until it was able to slide out from the rake body
It appears that the person could not achieve the satisfactory results. Thus he is coming out, and attempting entry again in a new way.

I wrapped the cloth...around the prong to get a better grip.
Now the person, who had just failed, is attempting entry again, this time with a cloth to get a firmer grip!

I started shoving the prong in at random points, hoping for something to click.
Our hero has no resorted to more a forceful attempt at completing the goal. Instead of taking it slowly from top to bottom, the person is now impatient and eager, and is going in and out as fast as he can to release the wave of goodness.

But nothing happened. I needed some way to look inside the keyhole to see exactly where I need to stick it.
The person had failed again at the new attempt. Now the person wants to get a better look of things to see exactly where he needs to stick it in in order to get the desired results.

I quickly took a peek into the hole.
He looked into the hole!

I realized I'd need to stick the prong in the upper part of the hole and twist it in order to open the door.
Things are starting to turn for the better. Now that the person knows exactly where to stick it, they can unlock the door to the wave of pleasure.

The keyhole was slightly too small for the prong.
Apparently, size does matter...our hero is too big!

The fencing was huge though, about 10 feet long, and it was very awkward holding it all, while trying to stick a part of it in a keyhole.
Now we learn about our hero's actual size! It's no wonder he's having so much difficulty; he's 10 feet long!!!!

I now had everything I needed to penetrate the lock.
The person is now in the final stretch. It's now or never!

Using the prong  in my left hand, I took the wire  in my right and proceeded to twist and turn every way possible.
The person is using both his hands to aid the process, helping to achieve the ultimate pleasure!

After 15 gruelling minutes of pain, I heard a loud click
I really hope my first experience isn't painful...

Sure enough, the door opened, and I felt a wave of cool air engulf me
Nothing like the sweet after-effects of cooldown and relaxation.

I had an orgasm and then proceeded up to bed
As we can see, the person is not into cuddling at all...

as I was tired as shit and drenched in sweat from the 2 hours spent in the garage.
2 hours is enough to make anyone tired. Phew. Sounds like quite an experience he had.

Garage Door Hacks

I will teach you how to become the greatest burglar:

The other night, I had happened to be out late partying with some friends. I came home at a very early hour, namely, 2am. I pulled into the garage and shut it. When I went to open the door to the house, I found it to be locked. Now, that is partially my fault. I had called my parents and told them I was sleeping over at a friends, so they didn't leave the door unlocked. However I decided to just come home instead of sleeping over.

After a curse, I remembered that my parents kept a spare key in the cabinet in our garage. I was saved...or so I thought. I opened the cabinet and looked for the key, but it was missing! I frantically searched the cabinet top to bottom, hoping to find it buried somewhere. But it was nowhere to be found. I was in trouble.

I had accidently left my cell phone with a friend earlier that day, so there was no way for me to call for my parents. And anyways, I felt bad about waking my parents up after telling them I was sleeping over. I would have to find a way into the house without disturbing anyone.

The only problem...

The Door! And more importantly...

The dreaded locked doorknob! Feared by burglars and kidnappers alike!

Starting time of Operation Burglar:  2:11 am

Now breaking through a door should be easy enough I thought. But the majority of tools in my house are stored in the basement. I had limited tools and supplies to work with. But that would not stopping from breaking into my own house. It was also boiling in my garage, at least 85 degress.

I had never picked a lock before, so I wasn't too sure if I would be able to do that. After a moment's thought, I came to realize the hinges of the door were in the garage. I had worked with doors plenty before, and taking doors off of hinges was a field I was experienced in. I would need a screwdiver and a mallet of some kind in order to push the hinges out and remove the door. After searching through my glove compartment in my car, I came across...

New Item Acquired: Screwdriver

A standard Phillip's screwdriver was in my car without my knowledge. But at the moment, I really didn't care how it got there. I only needed some kind of mallet in order to apply the force to remove the hinges. Once again in my glove compartment, there lurked...

New Item Acquired: Multi-Purpose Hammer

At one end of this "hammer" was a sharp blade, I'm assuming to cut things such as paper. The other end, I have no idea what it's use is.

I didn't like the choice. I searched around my garage for a better item to use. But I was out of luck this time. I would have to make do with the Multi-Purpose.

I began to work on the top hinge. It was a long a painful process as it was hot as hell. After about ten minutes, I had begun to make progress, the hinge was slowly coming out. Things were looking up.

I sat down to rest and to mop up the sweat gathered on my head. I looked at the other two hinges on the door. The middle one was the same as the top, but the bottom hinge looked like it would be trouble. The hinge was really wedged in it looked like it was one piece all together. I then started to think that maybe I wouldn't be able to get the bottom hinge out. I quickly started to work on the bottom hinge.

Time passed and passed. No progress was being made. The damn hinge was so well in there I couldn't budge it one bit. I kept working, thinking I could eventually get it to move. But I failed over and over again. I needed a new plan.

The only other way to get in would be through the doorknob, which meant picking the lock. I had no experience in this field, but with no other options, I had to try. I looked around for some small metal object to stick into the keyhole and pick the lock...

New Item Acquired: Rakes

The prongs on the rakes were perfect for sticking into the doorknob . I began inserting and twisting and turning with the hopes of clicking something. I only managed to damage and wear down the metal inside the keyhole. So I made some progress, but couldn't get through. It was also very awkward holding the whole rake and then turning the whole rake. It was so tiring, I had to find a way to remove a prong from the rake body.

Using the Multi-Purpose   and the screwdriver   I bent the prong until it was able to slide out from the rake body. I had completed another step toward my goal...

New Item Acquired: Prong

I wrapped the cloth, as shown in the pic, around the prong to get a better grip. I ran back to the doorknob , eager to complete my job and get inside. About an hour had passed by now I'm guessing. I started shoving the prong in at random points, hoping for something to click. But nothing happened. I needed some way to look inside the keyhole to see exactly where I need to stick it. The lightbulb in the garage only provided so much light. Searching again through my car, I got...

New Item Acquired: Flashlight

I quickly took a peek into the hole. I realized I'd need to stick the prong in the upper part of the hole and twist it in order to open the door. I pressed my luck. But again, I ran into trouble. The keyhole was slightly too small for the prong. I was unable to get the prong in far enough to do any damage. I would have to find something smaller.

I searched around the garage. But I could not find anything small that would be strong enough to penetrate the lock. After digging through the dark corner of the garage, I came upon...

New Item Acquired: Fencing

The wire was small enough, and if needed, I could twist it to enlarge the area of the wire. The fencing was huge though, about 10 feet long, and it was very awkward holding it all, while trying to stick a part of it in a keyhole.

Using the Multi-Purpose and the screwdriver  I managed to cut off a piece of wire from the fencing...

New Item Acquired: Wire

I now had everything I needed to penetrate the lock. I checked over the lock using the flashlight  to figure out my plan of attack. Using the prong  in my left hand, I took the wire  in my right and proceeded to twist and turn every way possible.

After 15 gruelling minutes of pain, I heard a loud click. I had succeeded. I reached for the doorknob  and gave it a twist. Sure enough, the door opened, and I felt a wave of cool air engulf me. I could not believe I had broke into our house using only everyday items found in a garage. I had an orgasm and then proceeded up to bed, as I was tired as shit and drenched in sweat from the 2 hours spent in the garage.

Ending Time of Operation Burglar: 4:05 am